You Can't Heal Where You've Been Broken: A Tale of Love and Redemption

“You can’t heal where you’ve been broken”

I married my ex. This is a phrase that often raises eyebrows and elicits gasps. We broke up almost ten years ago, had no contact for about six years, then reconnected, and now we’re married.

For most people, including myself at first and probably my husband, it seemed a little crazy because of all the time that had passed and, quite frankly, because of the pain it had caused. I can’t speak for his journey, but mine was long and difficult for many reasons outside of our breakup.

“You can’t heal where you’ve been broken”

is something I often hear. For a lot of reasons, I agree. Being in the same environment with the same people who have hurt or traumatized us can trigger us or make us feel unsafe.

Yet, as the lover girl that I am, I usually respond to this statement by sharing my story. My husband and I both had work to do and healing to undergo before we got back together. It took me almost five years to really deal with the pain and loss, but eventually, I began to heal. I was healing from so many other things that only God Himself could heal me from. I can only say certain things now because of the perspective I have and the time that has passed. When I was deeply in it, I would’ve never thought that I would have this kind of mindset, freedom, and peace.

In the beginning, I was just moving as the version of myself that was broken, making decisions justified by my brokenness when, in reality, it was often recklessness. For me to heal, I needed to change something. I wasn’t going to find healing in my ex at the time, nor could I find it at the bottom of a bottle of alcohol, although I searched hard for it.

I literally changed environments to be able to heal, and I left the country.

You can’t run away from your own heart and mind, though, so no matter how far I traveled, the work I needed to do was deep within. Only the grace of God could do that within me. I had to heal from so much, not just losing him but also from being violated, coming to terms with the sexual trauma I had endured, and dealing with a painful illness that I was diagnosed with. I almost had to relearn who I was. Even to this day, I am not the same person I used to be. I grieve for that person because she was carefree, bold, unapologetic, and confident without a doubt. Sometimes, I feel that I’ve lost that, but I’m a better me for a reason.

Some of the work I had to do involved focusing on healthy coping mechanisms, doing things to keep my mental health in check, and growing in my walk with God. It was also about opening up to love again. I did after I stopped believing. I became so open to love again that I felt most of that love was for me, and the overflow would be for anyone else to enjoy.

By the time my now-husband and I had our first conversation after not speaking for years, I was at peace and in agreement with God that, no matter what happens, whatever partner I may end up with, if I was to marry or not, have children or not, my mission and purpose would be to do His work for His kingdom and His glory, no matter what. So I was firm in that, and a romantic love just seemed like a nice-to-have and an extra gift from God.

I think that’s why, even through the hurt and the triggers, I could get back up again. I knew what not to do, but also because I wasn’t doing it out of my own strength. I still cry, I still feel, and I still get triggered, but healing is never linear. For me to be able to say ‘I do’ to my husband, someone who has endured his own pain and struggles, is to believe and embrace the amazing, gracious power of restoration and healing.

And who said you can’t heal where you’ve been broken anyway?

There is a kind of healing that I have experienced and work that God has done in the very place where I was wounded. Now, I bloom where I used to bleed. I know that I am not innocent, and I may have been the wound where my husband once bled too, but the healing that has come as a result of the reconciliation, even outside of the work we did on our own to be able to pursue and have a relationship, is so much greater and makes for a better love story anyway.

Don’t ever limit what God can do.

As much as I don’t encourage people to stay in toxic cycles or to go back to an ex who keeps hurting or abusing them, I do very much believe that God can heal you in the most miraculous ways and in ways you would’ve never expected.