I Didn’t Know I Was Self-Harming

Pleasurable Pain

Trigger Warning: self-harm, suicide ideation

Before I started the c*tting, I had been self-harming in ways I didn’t consider to be self-harm, I would speak negatively to myself, I would allow myself to be in environments I had no business being in. I would walk on the road hoping a car would hit me, I would binge drink to the point that I didn’t care whether I woke up the next day or not, I would stay up and not rest til I would be exhausted, all these things were ways I would self-harm.

I used to think, “Nah I would never do THAT” until I was in this space where I was so numb, yet I could feel everything at the same time - the c*tting was my way of escaping and that pain felt so good.

How could something that hurt, still feel good? We usually associate that “painful pleasure” with sex but for me, it became the c*tting. The first time it happened was a mistake, but as it happened and I could see the blood slowly coming out, I could only pay attention to that at that moment and I almost completely forgot about everything else, and THAT felt good. It silenced my other thoughts, although temporarily, I then had to keep doing it so I could keep enjoying this ‘silencing’ of my other thoughts, it became addictive, and yet I somehow felt as though it was helping me to heal.

The physical scars are there, although have faded slightly over time, there is still some shame sometimes - I wouldn’t let anyone get too close to see but I would sometimes roll up my sleeves just enough for them to see the fresh cuts and HOPE that someone would ask, “are you ok?” - I was crying for help but ashamed at the same time, so I chose to die inside instead of making my cries heard, I chose silent cries instead.

I’ve struggled with sleep for years but when I started to battle with depression and I guess anxiety too, it got worse, however, I read somewhere that sometimes the ways we self-harm can include depriving ourselves of rest or sleep at night, and so we punish ourselves by not allowing ourselves to shut down. This was strange to me at first because I felt that the insomnia I’ve struggled with for years had been out of my control and on most nights, staying awake was to feel safe because my dreams were really nightmares and I was reliving my traumatic memories over and over again. Of course, I would choose to stay awake over that.

Then I began to think about how many other ways I’ve been self-harming outside of physically c*tting myself… and I thought, I’m a people-pleaser. I hate to admit it but I am. I struggle to say no, I usually don’t have any boundaries and I generally try to spare everyone’s feelings and for a long time, I believed this was why I’d experienced the pain I had in the past. Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I wasn’t upset enough all in the name of not pissing anyone off too much? Maybe it’s me?

The problem with people-pleasing and not saying no even when I really want to or probably need to is that I would get overwhelmed and then I’d want to break down, but because I wouldn’t want to let anyone down, I tend to take on more than I can physically and emotionally handle. I sometimes think “oh but what if they get upset & think I’m a terrible person?” Who cares though? I’m always so ready to show up for every and anything, that I neglect myself and forget to show up for me that REALLY needs saving. I don’t ever want to do something and have tears running down my face whilst I push through because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, what about disappointing me? or hurting me?

I still feel this level of guilt when I have to choose myself or intentionally try not to people-please but choosing that path will save me in the long run and people will then learn how to treat me or approach me. Unfortunately, I’ve been taken advantage of far too many times but perhaps if I also didn’t try to be this person to cushion everyone’s feelings and just be honest and FREELY express myself, I would be freed from the chains of this form of self-harm, people-pleasing. I didn’t know or recognize that this was self-harm but it is and the damage may not be scars on my arms or body, but they run deeper, it’s EMOTIONAL DAMAGE - sorry I couldn’t help but say this in that TikTok guys voice. No, but seriously, if I don’t nip it in the bud, it will only hurt me and my process of healing.

I’m learning to choose myself, my peace, and my happiness. Instead of being comfortable and perhaps finding pleasure in putting others before myself when I neglect myself, I should be comfortable in sometimes just saying no. It feels good to hear “you’re so helpful” or “I’m proud of you” and those kinds of things, maybe that strokes my ego a little bit when I get that validation but the pain of crawling or kicking and screaming to get through things might kill me and leave me with scars deeper than the ones left on my arms is far worse.

So I am choosing to overcome the subtle ways of self-harm that I’ve subdued myself to, the same way I have overcome c*tting. It’s been a little over a year and it is still a journey. I stopped physically but I need to work on stopping internally because it is sometimes easier to stop the bleeding on the outside than it is on the inside. I don’t want to die from internal bleeding from self-inflicted pain that I would have countlessly considered pleasurable pain, I want to heal from the inside out.

“But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes, we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:5