“The Anniversary Effect”
How Trauma Imprints Itself on the Mind & Body
Another trip around the sun and my body is starting to do that thing again. That thing where it becomes a little harder to breathe, my heart starts racing faster and faster, it struggles to sit in the silence of my room, of any room, because of the head-splitting thoughts, sleep becomes irregular, perhaps non-existent, food starts to taste quite bland, the headaches get worse and it’s all happening again…it’s starting to remember.
It never truly forgets. The memories are kept in a compartment that probably exists in my brain and nerve cells that visit me occasionally when I see it on the news, or read about it, or hear someone tell me… me too. Then it’ll go back into that compartment and allow me to function and enjoy some kind of normalcy.
When it first happened I think I was really just in denial. I went from silently weeping on his bathroom floor to being in my apartment, taking a shower and getting ready to go out and party, I mean it was my birthday month, I wasn’t going to let THIS ruin my birthday. It didn’t though, I kept it moving and partied all month long, I had a blast. That tiny compartment I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it came in quite handy.
Until it didn’t anymore. As soon as the “system” was overloaded and had been running away from the truth, it began to short circuit, until it crashed. When I finally decided to acknowledge and accept that I had been… you know… the ‘r’ word, I felt as though I became undone. I was broken, damaged, and filthy.
I was no longer me. How could I be? Someone completely disregarded my feelings, my cries, and my no. It wasn’t the first time I had been violated and little did I know, it wouldn’t be the last time either.
The body is amazing because it has so many different mechanisms that kick in to try to save you and help you survive even if you try to ‘override’ it. There are so many ringing alarms and warning signs that you’re sinking and yet it will keep you afloat until it can’t anymore and you have a nervous breakdown or worse, you shut down and it literally kills you.
Every year around this time I would just get sick or have a major depressive episode and I’d just be restless, not knowing that this is the “anniversary effect” and my body had the memory of the rape. Even though I have been on my journey of healing and overcoming the pain, the body remembers.
I would have nightmares of rape in different forms, by one person or many people, I would see the exact colour sheets in a store and immediately feel like I was back in his bed again and my arms are being held down as I cry, I would be afraid to sleep and yet have no desire to be awake or alive. It became this cycle of trauma and it’s reminders year after year after year.
Years later, I’m doing slightly better. I don’t think about it as much and it doesn’t hurt as deeply as it used to - kind of - but that could be because of that little compartment where my memories are stored and I guess healing has this miraculous way of undoing or rather easing the pain and trauma until another year passes and my body takes me back to his bed. Again.